Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
The Backseat Boys
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
No way!
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
She: I like Cats
He:
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David