@Parentpains: Never under estimate the value of stretching...the truth.
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@TastyTuneTweets: Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like "You Can Do it" or "Ramen Noodles Aren't So Bad" when you check your sad Account Balance
@Breadery: Officer: Sir, we have reports you've trained this bird to injure passersby. Me: Ridiculous! O: The pet's name? M: Paul the Attack Canary.
@johnbiehl: Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you're thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.