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There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
2022: I can fix it
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“OMGJK” -atheists
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.