Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.