Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.