Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Never ghost your hitman.
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Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”