@Travon: Flight attendant: "will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?" Me: "yes" In my head: "No we're all gonna die"

@Mikecanrant: *puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine* There you go little guy. Now you're bouncy.

@ThisOneSayz: Me, in shorts and a t-shirt 7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?

@VerifiedDrunk: If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that's practically the same thing.

@Jarhead44: If I can't pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as "bro."