Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
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Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Bit chilly again tonight.