Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
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Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Our lord and savoury.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
absolutely not
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?