I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
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Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.