Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Britain be like
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”