Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.