The prophecy is fulfilled
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I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance