The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
won’t smith
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
How do you milk an almond?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.