A duv-egg? In this economy?
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
😜
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.