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@briancthayer: Wife: Could you be dehydrated? Me: Of course not. W: How much water have you had? Me: Two coffees & a bourbon. W: Wow. Me: Told you.
@novicefather: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it's a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.
@MarfSalvador: [woken up by barking] wife: oh god it's an intruder! me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it's definitely a dog