What’s a Messi?
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Body by Oreos
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.