#NeverForget
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AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I don’t know what to do
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.