*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
British people be like I’m Bri ish
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen