@Ham_Tornado: New children's book I'm working on: "Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak".
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@slimmy_shady: Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I'm flirting.
@jlock17: I've stopped texting "K" and started texting "L" instead so I don't have to reach so far over with my thumb.
@JimmerThatisAll: If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
@WarrenHolstein: Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?