New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.