[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
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Don’t frighten the programmers!
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!