Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
You Might Also Like
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong