@dafloydsta: New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
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@imence2: This guys talking about "Calm down, everything happens for a reason". Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
@AtticusFinch79: *takes off pants* *crawls into bed* Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy's *crawls out of bed* *puts on pants* SG- Those aren't your pants
@KevinBuffalo: My wife is: 1) Am amazing mom and a great friend 2) Still the most beautiful girl I've ever been with 3) Now following me on Twitter
@rachaelkelly18: I love how coffee tricks me into believing I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes