New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
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Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Sending in my taxes
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.