NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
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I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *