NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
same energy
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I saw this ending much differently.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!