Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
You Might Also Like
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I’M CRYINGGG
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?