@billmaher: New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can't do?
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@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I need to draw some blood." Me: "Okay." Doctor: "Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?"
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called? Me: Gelt. Coworker: Guilt? Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
@MarieColette: Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can't chase you because they're holding scissors. The perfect crime.
@joeljeffrey: I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down... and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.