Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
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No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.