@thatcarlygirl: New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I've lost 17,000 pounds.
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@JohnBoyStyle: Knock, knock Who's there? Wu Wu who? I wouldn't get too excited sir, I'm here to impound your car.
@DaddyJew: Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen Me:what is this CSI?
@ericsshadow: If your phone fell in a toilet, you would... 1995: ...leave it, toilets are gross Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
@abbycohenwl: I'm training my cats to use the bathroom like people. It really works! [cut to bathroom: two cats do cocaine off the toilet tank]