@thatcarlygirl: New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I've lost 17,000 pounds.
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@abbycohenwl: [marriage counseling] Wife: I just wish he wasn't so clingy Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
@KKAlThani: Pretty cool how your dreams went from "Astronaut" or "Doctor" to "What's the lowest I can get to pass this course"