British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
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After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
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Me: Same
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought