New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
You Might Also Like
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
damn he’s good
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?