Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
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*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
😂😂😂
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
They got a point!
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I WON A HAM TODAY
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Solving a traffic jam
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”