New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs