New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
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Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job