New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
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Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
selena gomez
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.