I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.