[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I triple waxed for this?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash