[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
wtf is a larm clock?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”