The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
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every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Chicago sounds lovely.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.