they should invent a type of situation that improves.
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I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
My work here is done
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.