Always…
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
never deleting this app.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.