Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
You Might Also Like
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”