New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
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Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
never ask a starfish for directions
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.