A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES