good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.