[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
You Might Also Like
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?