Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Wasps: bees, but not helping
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at