I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
cyclists
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.