When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
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Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.