My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.