New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
You Might Also Like
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen