New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
You Might Also Like
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ